Knowing the Boundaries

The parent's role is to parent. The coach’s role is to coach. But striking the balance between the two is easier said than done. Indeed, the parent-coach dynamic is one of most delicate relationships in all of youth sports. While both parties have the best interest of the kids in mind, one hears of examples nearly every day of how miscommunication, mismatched expectations, and unclear boundaries can quickly escalate mundane parent-coach issues into public arguments and even outrageous behavior.

"Working hard to improve lines of communication, and setting boundaries with parents and coaches is a must for any successful program," says Kevin Black, a four-time coach of the U.S. Women’s World team and the current head coach of the River Falls (Wisc.) High School wrestling team. "There are steps every parent and coach should take to improve this and setting boundaries and outlining roles and expectations of both is what leads to success and a healthy environment."

Black emphasizes the importance of doing this right away—at an initial parent meeting. The River Falls High School and athletic department requires parents in every sport to attend a mandatory preseason meeting. "That way everybody is in the same room, hearing the same message," says Black, adding that it's always difficult to establish boundaries once a culture has been established.

The coach and parent each have specific roles and boundaries to follow, and both of them are key. Working together as a cohesive unit is what makes it all work for the youth athlete. "In that meeting, I make sure the parents know just how important they are," says Black. "As a coach, I am a better coach when I am coaching wrestling. If I have to parent somebody else's child, then I'm not as good as a coach that I can be. Parents are best when parenting, not when their role turns into the role of a coach."

As a wrestler, Keith Spychalla of Inver Grove Heights (Minn.) was a fierce competitor for a talented Simley High School wrestling program. But Spychalla now has a distinctly different perspective on youth wrestling: that of a parent. With two sons, ages 10 and 11, now competing in the same wrestling programs he went through, Spychalla is careful to stay inside his lane.

"Positive support and encouragement should be the only things a parent should be giving during times of practice and matches," Spychalla emphasizes. "I don't always agree with how a coach runs his practices, but I have to step back and let him do things his way."

Spychalla says the best platform for knowing each other’s roles is one built on mutual respect. "I think the coaches and parents should take the time to get to know each other to establish a comfortable relationship in order to have open lines of communication," says Spychalla. "Parents should be the wrestler’s cheerleader and spectator—not the coach." 

Brian Heffron of Lynnfield, Massachusetts has sons who play football, lacrosse, baseball and hockey. And he has coached youth lacrosse and basketball for nine years. As a coach, Heffron starts out every lacrosse season by sending parents an email with information pertaining to schedules, equipment needs, rules, and resources. He also explains his coaching philosophy and his expectations for parents and athletes. He provides contact information and provides the best ways to contact him with concerns. He understands parents are going to have questions.

"I empathize with other parents because I am one of them," says Heffron. "I spend more time in the stands watching my kids than I do coaching, so I appreciate the parent’s viewpoint. There’s nothing is worse as a parent than being unable to ask the coach [questions]."

Each coach and program can have different definitions of when it’s appropriate to ask those questions, however. At River Falls, Black doesn't allow parents and coaches to discuss technique and tactics during the course of a tournament or meet. For injury concerns, or other major issues, Black encourages parents to discuss this in private, away from the wrestlers and team. He also makes a point to let assistant coaches know they can't discuss wrestling during the course of a tournament. Small conversations can lead to bigger issues.

For its part, USA Hockey has instilled the 24-hour rule, where parents and coaches of youth athletes refrain from talking about a game until 24 hours have passed. The thinking: giving both sides a full day helps cooler heads to prevail. Black prefers not to wait that long, though. Thanks to social media, he notes that a frustrated parent or kid may post something on Facebook or Twitter and it can quickly become a public incident—when a short conversation at the right moment could have cleared up the issue.

The key to success, Black reiterates, is setting guidelines early and reminding parents of them often.

Black outlines a number of ways for parents and coaches to set boundaries and stick to them:

1. Create a parent/athlete/coach team handbook: Give it to every parent in the preseason meeting. This includes communication details and guidelines, team rules and details on the boundaries that are in place.

2. Weekly email newsletter: Recap tournaments and matches, provide program updates or notes, organizational info and reminders about team policies or boundaries. Think strategically and recognize periods during the season (after tryouts, before big tournaments) when there may be concerns or questions brewing, and try to alleviate those through timely messages. If a parent publicly flouts the rules—by sitting mat-side, say—send a gentle but firm note reminding everyone that this isn’t allowed.

3. Use technology: Programs like remind.com—which is popular among teachers—or other free apps provide a safe and simple communication option that allows for easy one-way messaging. Coaches can send out a quick schedule change, or what to bring to a tournament, but no one can reply. This avoids creating long chain emails of back-and-forth communication, which are ripe for misinterpretation and escalating tempers.

4. Use voicemail:This is a good tool that allows parents to raise issues or complaints in their own words, but that also offers coaches the chance to think about how to respond without escalating the situation.

5. Anonymous feedback: Black says he tried something new this year: Setting up a box for anonymous feedback— any question, concern, criticism—to find out what might be bothering anyone in the program. It’s a good way to generate discussion without the stigma of being branded a complainer. In Black’s case, no one has left a message yet, which, in a way, validates all the parent-coach communication he’s already doing.