Parent Coach Athlete Dynamic

There is no tougher dynamic in youth and high school sports than that of the parent-coach-athlete relationship. While parents and coaches generally have the best interests of the athletes in mind, it can sometimes be a struggle when parents and coaches share different beliefs and philosophies. If that’s the case, in the long run, it’s the athlete eventually that usually suffers.

When his oldest son Devin began wrestling a decade ago, Brian Fitzpatrick of Mathomedi, Minnesota heeded the advice of another longtime wrestling supporter. That advice was this: "Let the ref's ref, the coaches coach and parents parent." Simple? Yes. Easy? No. 

"No other sport elicits the multitude and range of emotions of wrestling—from practice, to meets, to tournaments,” says Fitzpatrick. In addition, wrestling is very unique when it comes to “match-day” coaching, he says. For example, most youth wrestlers are “coached” by their parents for the bulk of their youth tournaments. For many, this translates to parents coaching the wrestlers first few hundred matches. 

"There is nothing better than the father working with his son on the mat," says Fitzpatrick. “But parents need to recognize their role is to parent.”

Many former wrestlers are also eager to get involved with the sport and can’t wait for their child to participate in wrestling. They want the same great experience they had for their child and while that is what keeps the sport growing, it’s also where conflict can occur, says Joe Somerville, the head assistant coach at Jeffersonville High School in Jeffersonville, Indiana. In these cases, the father teaches the style and technique that was taught to him when practicing at home or on their own and they come to club or school practice and things are different. The child can get frustrated and confused about whom to listen to. As a result, the child can start look to their parent’s reaction in the stands instead of listening to the coach in the corner, says Somerville. 

Conflict can also occur—especially in elementary and middle school age groups—when, win or lose, a coach praises a young wrestler after a match, and then later points out the negatives or berates the child for their performance.

"You can see the fun sucked out of them and these kids seldom last more than one or two seasons,” says Somerville.

Parents who are coaches also have to find balance. Somerville’s son, Carson, is a 15-year-old sophomore at Jeffersonville High School. Joe has been a father—and coach—his entire career. The benefits, Carson says, is having a parent that knows about wrestling and can help him if he has a question. But there can be drawbacks too, he says.

"It’s stressful because of the pressure it puts on you, both to please your dad and the expectations that coach’s kids are supposed to be good," says Carson. "In practice I felt like he got on me more than other kids and that was frustrating. But we've been able to find a good balance after I told him that him getting on me so much stressed me out a little." But the positives outweigh the negatives, he adds.

For his part, Joe Somerville says he learned early on in his son’s career that Carson preferred him to be a dad first, coach second. As hard as that was, Joe says he has no problems letting others coach his son.

"I don’t think he loves me being an assistant high school coach, but I go to great lengths not to be overbearing in any way that might take away his experience of being in a team sport," says Joe Somerville. "I don’t baby him and I don’t smother him in team activities. I give him plenty of space to be him."

When Mark Reiland began his high school coaching career at Iowa City West High School in Iowa City, Iowa, he had a few things working in his favor: He was an NCAA champion at the University of Iowa under Dan Gable, and his father was the Iowa City West High School athletics director. While success at the collegiate level doesn't guarantee success as a coach, it did give parents the confidence that he knew what he what he was talking about.

But what helps develop a stronger relationship with parents and coaches, Reiland says, is the yearly preseason parent meeting he holds to discuss the team and coaches philosophy. "In theory, I would want any coaching advice the parents were going to give to come through the coaching staff first, but I know that is not always the case," says Reiland. "Our thought and hope is that we have been at this a long time and have seen many situations over the years and hope they have the confidence and trust that we will do what we see is best. I want the parents to understand that we do have their child's best interest in mind. Ultimately we are all on the same team."

Clarence Long, head coach of the Hustle & Muscle Mat Club, a USA Wrestling youth wrestling club and nonprofit organization based in Washington, D.C., agrees. "I let them know what we are teaching at practice and why," says Long. "I tell them our goals both near and long term for the team."

If there is conflict, Long recommends communication with parents take place in person or over the phone, but if that is not practical, then via email.  "Most parents are happy to have a coach’s input," says Long. "And even if we disagree, there is usually room for compromise."

Wrestlers dealing with parent-coach conflict are in the toughest position. "I know it can be difficult for a young wrestler to tell their coach or parents something that they might disagree with or not want to hear but honesty and communication is better than letting a situation like this go unaddressed," says Long.

One of the best ways for parents and coaches to develop a strong relationship is by parents being active and involved as a parent at events, and by spending time with the team and coaches, or volunteering time with the program.

"The more the parents participate in wrestling events and get to know the coaches, and the more parents and coaches are familiar with each other, communication becomes much easier and there usually less tension over how best to coach or train a wrestler," says Long.

Resources
The Positive Coaching Alliance, a national non-profit organization with the mission to transform the culture of youth sports so that youth athletes can have a positive, character-building experience, has developed a series of resources on how to handle parent/coach conflict.