When Coach is Also Mom or Dad

Being your son or daughter’s first wrestling coach is not always easy. Steve Thorpe, head coach at Sweet Home High School in Sweet Home, Oregon, has seen both sides of it. Thorpe has an eighth grade son he has coached for years. And Thorpe, who wrestled at Oregon State, was also coached by his father.

"The number one thing I always tell people is, he's going to be my son a lot longer than he's going to be my athlete," Thorpe says. "Don't personalize it," he adds. If your son or daughter doesn't wrestle well, it's not because they didn't get their chores done at home or they didn't do their homework. “Wrestling has to do with wrestling and wrestling only," he says.

Know your limits

Kevin Crutchmer, head coach of Union High School in Tulsa, Oklahoma, coached two sons for much of their wrestling career. Kyle Crutchmer was a two-time Oklahoma state champion and a 174 pound All-American for Oklahoma State in 2015, while Brian Crutchmer was also a state champion who wrestled for the Cowboys last season at 133 pounds. When his two sons became sophomores in high school, however, Kevin decided that he could no longer coach them during their matches. He let the assistant coaches take over—even in state finals matches. Kevin was nearby, but not in the corner. He wanted to be dad, not coach, in those moments.

"I had to let go," Kevin Crutchmer says. "I noticed being dad interfered with being a coach and coaching interfered with being dad. So I let my assistants take over and I would coach the rest of the team. I had to support them like a father." He adds: "It's not easy to do and it's not for everyone, but it worked for us."

The key is to see the big picture. “Whatever emotions you are feeling, you are likely presenting to your child,” Crutchmer says. “If you are nervous, they are nervous. If you are overbearing, they will feel that and it all affects them on the mat."

Crutchmer’s sons say they were usually able to distinguish between the two roles. "When we were at practice I called him ‘Coach’ and respected him as coach," says son, Kyle. "When we were at home he was just ‘Dad’ and that's the way we wanted it to be."

Set boundaries

It wasn't always easy to come home and just forget about wrestling, acknowledges Kyle’s dad. Sometimes those differences between dad and coach began to blur. That’s why it’s important to set ground rules and establish some boundaries when a parent is coaching their own children. For the Crutchmer’s, that's where mom came in, explains Kyle. "At the dinner table, she knew when it was time to change the topic and focus on something else. She helped keep us straight."

Thorpe has another message for parent-coaches: Don’t try to live vicariously through your child. "I am never going to wrestle another match in my life," he points out. So he warns dads and moms against pushing their unfulfilled goals onto their still developing youth athletes. That means when you’re at home, be a parent, not a coach—find other interests that your child likes and pursue those in that setting.

Get buy-in

Tina Syer, the Chief Impact Officer at Positive Coaching Alliance, has coached at the high school, college,and Olympic Development levels. But the most challenging and most rewarding coaching jobin her career, she says, has been leading her son's U-8 soccer team. "I remember when my dad first coached me when I was eight,” Syer recalls. “I think the positive experience we had together back then helped create the foundation for the life-long friendship, and love of all things sports, we still share today.”

Now Syer is getting the chance to build that life-long relationship by coaching her own son. But she didn’t make the decision on her own. After all, coaching, like parenting, involves give and take.

“I made sure to ask my son if it was okay with him if I took on this role,” Syer says. And while it’s been a fantastic experience, Syer says she is still very careful of how she treats her son at practices and games. “The biggest challenge for me is not being harder on him than the other players, as I'd never want my players or their parents to think I'm favoring my own son,” she says. But she too admits that she often relies upon assistant coaches to take the lead when working with her son.

Enjoy it while it lasts

Combining parenting and coaching can difficult, both mentally and emotionally, acknowledges Thorpe. "The hardest part is, sometimes our heart will ache a little more for our child,” he says. "But it's worth it all to be there with the child and watch, learn, and grow with them."

Kyle Crutchmer agrees.

"Having a dad as a coach is something I viewed as a blessing," he says, looking back. "We spent so much time together from junior high, through high school. I have memories with my brother and dad that will last a lifetime, all because of wrestling.”

Resources from the Positive Coaching Alliance

ALL of PCA's resources on coaching your own child

Brandi Chastain (World Cup great) on Coaching Your Own Child

Coaching Your Own Child (book excerpt) 

Oliver Luck (Andrew Luck's father) on Coaching His Own Children